


The Will to Live

by emilie_buckarootiger



Series: The Will [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fire, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Not a death fic, blood & tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28903824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilie_buckarootiger/pseuds/emilie_buckarootiger
Summary: Buck and Eddie have been dating for a year when Buck suggests they record videos for each other in case one of them dies.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Will [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120775
Comments: 20
Kudos: 215





	The Will to Live

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Crayonlighting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crayonlighting/gifts).



> I'm French and my English is far from perfect.

“It’s weird Buck.” Eddie says. He turned his back on him and started doing the dishes. He put a lot of energy to his tasks, he was either trying his best to clean up a dirty plate, or he was mad about when Buck had just suggested. 

Of course, Buck knew him enough to know it was the latter. 

“It’s not weird, Eddie." Buck answered. He took a couple steps toward his boyfriend, keeping his tone calm because he could feel Eddie was upset. "Our job is dangerous and we both know we can die. We’ve just updated our will because we know the risk. I just want to make sure that if anything happens to me, you will have something better than a piece of paper saying that you can have my jeep and the few dollars I have at the bank.” 

“Yeah. But a video? I don’t know. I just don’t want to think about losing you.”

“I don’t want to think about that either. But I just made one for Maddie, Chim and my niece and one for Christopher. If anything happens to me, I just want you to have something to remember me by.”

Eddie stopped cleaning and practically threw the sponge on the kitchen counter. He let his head down and sighed. He hated to think about losing Buck.

"You almost drowned last year." Buck added. He didn't want to talk about that ever again and saying those words hurted him as much as it hurted Eddie. "I remember every single minute of that day Eddie."

“It’s the day you told me you loved me," Eddie said. He will always remember lying in this ambulance, shaking from the cold and the adrenaline leaving his body, his best friend by his side. Buck was so quiet, so scared, and the words barely left his mouth, but he said them. He told Eddie he loved him on the ride to the hospital. The two of them had stayed silent all the rest of the way, stunned about the unplanned confession. 

“It’s the day I almost lost you, Eddie." Buck remembered. "You went under and I thought you died. I thought I would lose you before I had a chance to tell you how I feel. I never want to relive something like that, but if something happens to one of us, I don't want to leave anything unsaid."

Eddie turned to face Buck. He wasn't the only one having a hard time with this conversation, Buck looked like he was about to cry. Eddie erased the distance between them and put his hands on Buck's cheeks. 

"Please" the blond begged.

"Okay," Eddie agreed, he placed a tender kiss on his boyfriend's lips. "I'll do it. I'll make a video. But only because you're not allowed to die before I do."

  
  


**(only) three weeks after that day.**

The station was really quiet when Bobby entered the loft. They were halfway through a 24-hours shift. Hen and Chimney had turned the TV on but none of them were paying much attention to what’s playing. They were too exhausted to speak, but they were there for each other, even without saying a word. He finally understood the energy that it takes to be a parent, so he enjoyed the quiet moments as much as she did. She had offered to take his baby girl for a night, but he was already over protective of her. Every time her best friend’s phone buzzed, Hen knew he received a picture of his daughter. Karen and Maddie were having a playdate with their daughters. They hoped that both Nia and Joy would be as tired as their parents when they go home from their shift.

Buck and Eddie were catching some well-deserved rest in the bunker. They were officially together for almost a year, and Bobby was okay with it. He was not always happy about having a relationship in his house, but they both proved to him that they made an amazing team, they have always been. He trusted them to be professional and if Buck needed Eddie to be his pillow during their nap so he could be well rested on their call, it was none of Bobby’s business. The bed was way too small for two firefighters, but Buck had his head and most of his upper body on top of Eddie’s chest, enjoying his boyfriend's hands in his hair. Eddie was too nervous to fall asleep, but Buck was so relaxed he was drowsing. He could fall asleep anywhere as long as Eddie was by his sides.

The alarm rang and everyone was on their feet in a matter of seconds. Adrenaline replacing the exhaustion. They hopped in the truck and drove toward where the dispatcher operator was leading them. Buck vaguely recognized Josh’s voice through Bobby’s radio. He loved his sister, but it was always easier for him to focus on the job with another dispatcher. He remembered how terrified she was when he called her the day of the tsunami and he never wants to cause his sister such a scare again. The fire was in a huge warehouse, so it would probably take time to put it out, but dispatch said it was abandoned, which would make it easier to put it out when without having to worry about any civilian getting hurt. Josh stayed on the line to relay the information he had on the building. Bobby divided his teams in two, telling them to be on alert for possible victims, just in case the place was not as empty as they were told. 

Eddie and Buck were the last to enter the building. They checked the east corner. Something seemed a little off about this place, but they are too focused on the fire to know what. The smoke was quite thick and they could barely see each other through it.

One of the rooms was locked and they needed to force it open to put the fire out. 

“Bobby, I think we’ve located the source of the fire, but the door is locked.” Eddie called over his radio.

“Do you need help?” 

“Buck’s on it.” Eddie replied, leaving the decision to send more men to his captain. “But whatever is behind this door it’s burning quickly, cap.” 

“Copy that. I’m sending help your way”. 

Buck got the door open and they both entered, trying to control the fire the best they could. Every box in the room was burning and it was hard to know where to start. But they quickly jumped into action. The men Bobby had sent have arrived and they all worked on controlling the fire. The fire was loud and they could barely hear each other. Eddie had his back turned on Buck for a second. He heard a small sound through the loud noise of all the boxes burning. The sound of metal pieces hitting the wall. He looked around, noticing shells flying over his head. The building was not abandoned, it was a warehouse full of ammunition. 

When Eddie understood where they were it was too late. Buck was no longer behind him; he was lying on the floor, bleeding. Eddie’s whole world began to blur. 

The man he loved when on the ground and Eddie couldn’t see the fire anymore, all he could focus on was the face of his boyfriend, in pain. He kneeled by his side and opened his turnout coat, noticing at least 3 holes in the material of the jacket. One of them didn’t get to him, but the others ripped the coat and found their way through Buck’s flesh. The injured man looked confused. 

Everything happened too fast. The boxes he tried to put out were filled with bullets, and when the fire was hot enough for the powder ignite they flew off their shell cases and Buck was shot. The fire was not out yet, but Eddie could feel the heat anymore. All he could see through the helmet was the panic inside Buck's eyes. It hurted so much to see those gorgeous blue eyes he loved so much filling up with tears. The other firefighters tried to talk to Eddie but he didn't hear them. His hands were both on Buck's stomach, trying to stop the bleeding. He didn't even register that the flames were gone, he only noticed Chim and Hen appearing on his side and taking over and applying pressure to Buck's wound. 

He didn't want to let go. He couldn't. He followed them in the ambulance, the feeling of déjà-vu was tearing him apart. He wiped a tear away from his boyfriend's cheek, but they kept falling. They were his. He didn't know when he started crying. And he couldn't stop. 

That was the worst case scenario Buck had planned for. This is why he recorded a video three weeks before.

_“I hope you’re watching this and thinking ‘Wow, he looks so young’ because that would mean you’re watching this, decades from now. Meaning that you and I grew old together, had a full life together. I want nothing more than to see you become an old grumpy grandpa who tells our grandkids about the time you and I saved someone’s life.”_

The doctors took Buck away and Eddie felt like they took his heart out of his chest. He watched them disappearing with the man he loved more than life itself. The doors closed and Eddie felt his legs giving up under him. His knees met the floor before he realized what was going on. Hen and Chim held him up and guided him toward the nearest chair. He stayed silent. He knew his friends were worried about him, he could see it on their face. But he couldn’t care about anything but Buck at this moment. If they had tried to talk about it, he would have blamed the exhaustion from their shift. Buck couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to die before him.

_“I love you, Eddie Diaz. So much that a part of me wishes you’re watching this. Because if you are, it means that I’m the one who died, in two days or 40 years I don’t know, but it also means that I've never lost you. That no matter how long my life was, I spent all of it by your side.”_

They waited so long to be together, too long, probably. Eddie refused to accept that he only had one year with the man he loved so much. They were supposed to have a lifetime together to make up for the lost time. He started wringing his hands, picking the skin where blood was starting to dry. He couldn’t look at anything else but his hands.

_“You're not the man in my dreams Eddie, cause I could've never dreamed of finding one person that makes me so happy, I didn't think I deserved it. You proved me wrong. You turned my life into a dream I didn't dare to have.”_

Eddie had plans for the three of them, so many plans. When Buck mentioned the video, Eddie hated the idea of thinking about their death. But if he was honest, it loved the idea of Buck making plans for their future. The video was proof that they were together until the very end. Buck had no doubt that they would; it was a “til death do us part” situation. So Eddie knew that day in the kitchen when he was kissing his boyfriend, that he wouldn’t be his boyfriend for much longer. Soon he would make him his husband. 

Eddie’s fingers circled his empty ring finger, the emptiness on his hand echoing with the void he was feeling inside his chest. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go. His brain was now planning for the worst scenarios. He was a field medic. He knew how bad Buck’s condition was. Every time he saw a doctor coming toward his direction, he imagined them telling him that he lost someone he loved, again. 

_“You made a dad out of me, and I love our son so much. I love you two with all my heart and I loved every second I spent with you. You and Chris didn't just show me how to be a better man, you showed me how to live, to love.”_

Hours went by without any news on Buck’s condition. Chimney and Hen had to go back to the station to finish their shift. Chimney couldn’t tell Maddie over the phone, especially when they had no news on Buck, nothing any of them could do to help him. He promised Eddie he would bring Maddie to the hospital as soon as he could, but he was pretty sure Eddie didn’t listen to anything he or Hen had said after the doctors took Buck away. Except for the tears he shed in the ambulance without even realising it, Eddie hadn’t cried. He stopped responding to them. They both worried about him, but had no choice but to leave him. 

_“I don't know how I lived the first 26 years of my life without you in it. I only know that I would do everything all over again if this leads me back to you.”_

Their shift was officially over now and Carla was probably waiting for them to go pick Christopher up. He thought about his son and the conversation he was not ready to have with him. 

Eddie replayed every moment of the fire in his mind, trying to understand how he could have missed it. He didn’t have Buck’s back. He might lose him because he didn’t protect him like he promised to. The images of Buck, bleeding, wouldn’t leave him. The pain, the terror, the agony. He dug his nails harder against his skin, trying to get rid of these images.

_“No matter what will happen, I need you to remember you are not alone.”_

Bobby was the first to arrive at the hospital at the end of the shift. Eddie was in the same chair he was when Chimney and Hen left. He hasn’t moved. Bobby knelt by his side, to force Eddie to look at him. The man was still covered in Buck’s blood. He must have touched his face to dry his tears, cause they were blood under his eyes and cheeks too.

“Eddie, why don’t we go clean yourself a little?” Bobby said in his most paternal tone.

“Buck needs me to have his back.” Eddie sounded confused, like he was on the field with him all over again. His voice was more broken than he wanted to show and Bobby looked at him with pity. So Eddie cleared his voice before saying in a more confident tone that would hopefully get Bobby’s out of his back; “I’m not leaving him.”

“You’re not leaving.” His captain reassured him, he took both Eddie’s hands in his. “We’re just getting you clean, okay?”

_“You’re the strongest person I know. But don’t try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don’t try to be a tough guy. Don’t push people away.”_

Bobby tried to help Eddie’s back on his feet to guide him to the bathroom, but Eddie removed his hands from Bobby’s grip. He followed his captain to the bathroom in silence. The vision in the mirror was horrible, yet Eddie couldn’t care less. The two of them didn’t exchange a word as they watched Buck’s blood disappearing down the sink. The absence of reaction from Eddie was worrying Bobby.

“That’s it.” He said. “You don’t want Buck to see you with all the blood when he’ll wake up.”

“The patronizing tone might work on Buck, but I’m not him, Bobby. And I know what his chances are. I know how to take care of myself, I don't need a babysitter.” Eddie snapped. Bobby tried not to be offended by his tone. He knew Eddie wasn’t angry at him. “He might not wake up and we both know that.”

“I’m sure he will, Eddie” Bobby said, he knew better than to promise him anything. Hen and Chimney told him how bad the situation was and he couldn’t promise things would be okay. “Have you called Carla?

Eddie shook his head. He dried his hands with the paper towels and threw them before leaving the bathroom.

“Do you want me to do it? To ask her to bring Christopher here?”

“What am I going to tell him?”

“Tell him the truth. Tell him that Buck is fighting. He’s strong, Eddie. If someone can survive this, it’s Buck.”

“I don’t know if I can tell him that we might lose Buck. He’s been through enough already.” 

“Christopher’s gonna need you to be strong for him. You think you can do that?”

Eddie nodded. He was already doing his best not to fall apart. But it took Bobby advice. They went back to the waiting room, Bobby called Carla to let her know what was going on.

_“You’re allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to cry. I know you and Chris have each other, and I know you are gonna be okay eventually cause that boy is as strong as his dad. The idea of not being with you guys is hurting me in so many ways, but I just know deep in my bones that you two can do everything as long as you are together. Be there for each other, but don’t hide your pain. I know you always have a hard time letting your guard down, but if something happens to me, I don’t want you to bury your feelings Eddie.”_

Twenty minutes after Bobby’s call, Carla arrived at the hospital with Christopher. He rushed toward his dad as soon as he entered the hospital, letting his crushes fall on the floor when he saw his dad. Eddie could bottle his emotion pretty well, he has done it after Shannon’s death, but he couldn’t fool Christopher. Seeing his son made it too real and he did his best not to fall apart.

“Are you okay dad? Carla said Buck was hurt and you look sad.” The boy asked.

Eddie looked up to Bobby and thought about his advice. His boss told him to be strong for his son.

_“Show Christopher that he can be sad. He needs to know that boys can cry.”_

“I am sad.” He admitted to his son only, he felt uncomfortable having to say these words in front of Bobby and Carla but there was no way he could hide his feelings from his son. He didn’t want to. Thanks to his therapy with Frank and some conversations with Buck he knew better than to force himself to be strong. “Very sad. You know how much I love Buck. I know you do too.” 

“Is he going to be okay?” 

“I hope so. I really do. But I can’t promise you something I don’t know.” Eddie confessed.

“Last week you told me Buck was going to be with us forever.” Christopher said. His little voice was shaking. He already knew what losing a parent felt like. 

“I asked you if you would want for me and Buck to be together forever.”

Bobby overheard the conversation, and understood what Eddie had asked his son. He took Carla’s arm and took a few steps back to leave the Diaz have their privacy.

“And I said yes, daddy.” The kid said with so much sadness that Eddie’s tears were flooding his face again. “You said that if Buck said yes too we’ll be a family forever. I don’t want Bucky to die please.”

“I don’t want that either, baby. But that’s not in our control.”

_“I hope that by the time you’re watching this, he’s a grown man. Maybe he even has a son of his own. Can you imagine the two of us, in the hospital, holding our grandson for the first time? I know I can. When it comes to us, I can picture our future, so clearly.”_

Chris came on Eddie’s lap and buried his face in his father’s arm. Eddie could feel his son crying against him. 

_“You're the love of my life, Eddie. You're my favorite person, my future, my… everything.”_

A nurse came toward them, Eddie braced himself for the conversation he was going to have.

“You’re Mr Buckley’s family?” he asked them. 

“We are.” Eddie answered standing up to meet the nurse, Christopher stayed by his side, grabbing his dad’s coat with all his strength.

“It was a tough surgery and Mr Buckley lost a lot of blood.”

_“And if I died, know that I died the happiest man on earth cause I get to be loved by you.”_

Eddie felt like he was gonna pass out, but the nurse gave him a reassuring smile.

“He’s going to be okay.” the nurse said.

_“It was all worth it Eddie. You were worth it."_

“He is?” Eddie needed to be sure.

“He is. Your dad is very strong, little man.” The nurse told Christopher. “He’s asleep, but we’ll move him in a room so you two can see him”.

“He’s alive.” Eddie repeated. “He’s alive”. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

He’s alive, and Eddie didn’t have to listen to the video that day. He hoped he would have never to. Eddie would do anything in his power to never see the day where he’d sit in a room and listen to Buck’s last words. He wanted so many things for their family and he swore to himself that he would stop wasting their precious time.

Christopher stopped crying, but seeing Buck on a hospital bed still, made his heart clenched in his chest. Eddie wanted him to go home with Carla but he refused to go anywhere until his Buck was awake. He really was his fathers’ son. Eddie laid his son on the couch against the wall. He tucked his son with the covers the nurse brought them and kissed his son, telling him that he would wake him up when Buck would be awake. He sat in the chair near the bed and took Buck’s hand in his.

A few hours went by until the anesthesia wore off. Eddie could feel Buck’s fingers slowly moving against his hand. He used his other hand and brushed a strand of hair from Buck’s face.

“That’s it, baby. Come back to us.”

When he opened his eyes, Eddie could see they were still glassy and full of pain. He hated to see Buck that way. 

"I'm not dead...” Buck started to cheer Eddie up a little. “...yet." he added to lighten the mood.

Eddie shook his head. He was too emotionally drained to laugh and he knew that if he had any tears left he would be crying again. Buck squeezed his hand, reminding him that he was still here.

“Someone told me I wasn’t allowed to die.” 

“Never” Eddie said. He placed a kiss on Buck’s forehead. He could see that Buck was struggling to stay awake, so he didn’t wake Christopher up. Buck would be okay, and they would have all the time in the world to be together.

"You saved me.” Buck said before closing his eyes. 

"I didn't.” Eddie replied. He was sure Buck had fallen asleep already. So he sat back in his chair, never letting go of Buck’s hand.

"You and Chris did.” Buck whispered. “You gave me a reason to fight.”

"I love you so much." he said to an already asleep Buck. That's exactly what he told him one year before. Except that he was the one lying in a hospital bed last time and Buck was the one holding his hand. But one year ago, Eddie confessed his feeling back to Buck and they have been happy ever since. Because through the best or the worst, they were together. 

Yeah, one day he would make him his husband, Eddie swore to himself. But for now they just fall back to sleep, knowing they would have a future together.


End file.
